I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
