Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just cropdusted the office
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
