I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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