i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
