After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My vagina is very pro this idea
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
