I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
