The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
