If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
