For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
how does that bad decision feel?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
