Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
