True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
be right there i have to get my cape
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
