I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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