he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
