She went from zero to smokin in five shots
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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