It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
