i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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