Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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