so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
