she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
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