M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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