Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
