everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
