The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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