College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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