the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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