DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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