Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
