I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
did i just pee glitter
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
