This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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