Fine. I'll sleep in my office
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
