It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
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She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
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So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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