I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
50% drunk capacity currently
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
