I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
