She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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