i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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