I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
