you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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