new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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