I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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