my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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