I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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