Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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