I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
