dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
