Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
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Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
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I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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