I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
