I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
