I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
