Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
