he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize