my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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