Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
