So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
