If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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