He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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