Tell her she can't have a vagina
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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