Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
