the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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